Jacques Greene | No Excuse
I was raised in a sterile and cold environment. Our household was one where possessions and orderliness were highly prioritized over human emotions. I went through a lot of shit that children should not have to experience, and was left with an unstable sense of self.
I haven’t been a child for a decade now, and I haven’t lived at home for five years now, but I still carry a lot of scars from my childhood. Though my parents have changed and are trying to make amends, I find myself unable to forgive them for every awful moment that was dealt from their hands and words. These were the people whom I most counted on, yet their transgressions were the most severe. I know I should be appreciative of their efforts to reach out, of the fact that “at least they’re trying”. But every time they visit or call, I am flooded with memories of physical and verbal abuse, and of the constant loneliness and inadequacy I felt; these memories leave me hurt and embittered. Their contact is so manipulative too: my father will text that he’s dying, and then upon my alarmed reply, it turns out that he is just bored at work. I don’t want to hate them, but I’m finding it very difficult to love them under the current conditions of our relationship. Ideally, I’d run away and erase every vestige of my juvenile years from existence… if only that was possible.
The sky when it snows is absolutely perfect. It can be 1 o’clock in the morning and bright outside. The silence of everything when it snows is beautiful. You can barely hear a sound when the snow covers everything. Just watching the snow fall and stick to the ground is beautiful. Yeah I guess it sucks that it’s cold and you have to shovel it out, but coming in from the cold and putting on warm clothes, sitting in the heat, and drinking hot chocolate is so relaxing. I miss the snow so much.